You have my heart in your hands,
You have my heart so don't let it go...

You're too good to be.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up...someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Dear Heart, do you belong to me or do I belong to you?

This term I've had a LOT of heart convictions. Well, 3. But they're all pretty interlinked and intense. I'm still haven't quite worked them out properly myself yet but in brief:
1. Sorting my head out about male friends. I need to sort out how the past rubbishness I've had affects me and basically get over it.
2. Finding identity and security in God instead of anything else.
3. Whether I'm in a 'good enough'  place spiritually and emotionally to be VP.


Just look at all the trouble you drag me into. I've heard it said to follow your heart, but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.
Heart, you've let me down, chasing love where it can't be found. Heart we've fallen out, 'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt. Only Jesus can save us now.

Dear Heart. Sanctus Real

There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear... So tonight thank God it's them instead of you.

I realise that most of my posts here have been a bit angry and/or whiney recently. But over the last month or so I've had cause to remember just how blessed I actually am. I have lovely friends, and amazing little b and big b best friends. My family and Uni housemates are a huge blessing too. Living with non-Christians has been surprisingly good. Of course, they are all lovely people, and it's good to get away from the CU bubble for a while- I spend most of my life in it!
I can still remember a time when I felt totally alone and like no-one cared and I had no-one to talk to. Now I have some wonderfully compassionate, trustworthy and wise people to turn to, and the knowledge that God has a plan and is working in my heart through my struggles. That, I think is the biggest blessing

It's time for healing.
Time to move on.
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.

Today's preach in church was about disappointment and pain and sorrow. I have to admit, it hit me hard. I realised how much hurt I've been carrying around. I forgave a friend the otter day for, basically, being a bit rubbish as a friend. But since Friday I've been angry and hurt all over again. I couldn't work out why until today.
I have had very few males friends in my life who I've really opened my heart to and trusted with a lot of stuff I don't just go around telling everyone. And all of them have let me down. Badly. One talked to me again after sooo long on Friday and all the hurt just erupted again. That's why I unforgave the other. All the hurt and disappointment with male friends just came back with a vengeance.
I pray that this hurt will be healed. Because I want close male friends. But I want friends that won't make me hurt this much. I'm worried that im starting to doubt that they exist.

Whatever you're doing inside of me. It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace. And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe you're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life. Something heavenly.

Actions speak louder than words

It means nothing to say of course you still want to be friends if you don't make any effort to show it
It means nothing to call me a friend if the only time you'll bother to meet up is as a short stop on the way to London to see your girlfriend
It means nothing to say you'll find a time if I've been trying to give you your damn book back for a year. Again.
It means nothing to say you didn't mean to make me feel like this if you keep doing it

It means nothing to say sorry if you don't change anything.



I don't want to be here again.

It's hard to know where you're going when you don't know where to start
But that's just life
And that's the hardest part.