"O perfect love, my song shall ever be: 'I am found in Jesus'"

Sometimes I feel disconnected. Like I don't know who I am, and whoever 'I' am, I don't feel like them. I say 'Sophie Ellis' in my head and it scares me that that doesn't feel like me. A lot of the time I feel lost. And I don't know how to find myself again; how to get back to feeling 'right' again. Or even just the normal kind- I need to 'find myself', something that many people travel the world to do. I think not knowing who you are and needing to find out who you are is something that most people feel.
I keep looking in the wrong places. Why do I keep looking for myself in things that don't define me? That I don't want to define me?

I am found in Jesus. I need to remember to look for myself there. Who I am and everything about me is found there, and there alone. I can't find the answers anywhere else.

So why am I still looking?

I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own...


...I tried to be perfect, it just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me, it never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along


If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own






Pieces. Sum 41

10 things I hate about you

So hate is a strong word. So really it's 10 reasons why I don't want you to mean anything more to me than you do now.
1. You obviously don't want to spend time with me.
2. See above, emphasis on obviously.
3. Wanting a hug makes me feel awkward.
4. I've tried really hard, and I've tried to not try, but it's always hard work to even be friends.
5. I'm always wondering whether it's worth the effort.
6. I think you wouldn't notice if I stopped trying. I wonder if you'd care.
7. I spend too much time wondering if you'd care.
8. You don't notice when I'm sad. With me, it's usually pretty noticeable.
9. You don't realise that, when I'm sad, I just want my friends to give me a hug. Just to show me they care.
10. You'd never call me a best friend, even though that's all I want.

If weakness is a wound that no-one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall.
And I am not immune, I only want to be loved, but I  feel safe behind the firewall.
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want to truth, I need to confess...

That I'm not alright. I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through, it leads me to you, it leads me to you.

Burn away the pride. Bring me to my weakness.
'Til everything I hide behind is gone.
And when I'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to, only you are there to lead me on.
'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through it leads me to you, it leads me to you.

'Cause I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.

That's why I need you.

I used to think that, because I went to a girls school, I was missing out on something. I was wrong. Before I went to Uni I had precisely 3 'good' male friendships. All of which turned out to be completely dysfunctional. Two of them made me very very unhappy for a lot longer than I care to remember. Is it just more complicated because the whole boy-girl friendship thing has a different dynamic that I'm just not used to? Or have I just been particularly unlucky with the guys in my life. Maybe a bit of both.

Fast forward to University. I have a 'brother' who doesn't seem at all bothered that he hasn't seen, or pretty much talked to, me since the beginning of July. And a confusing and slightly 'multiple personality' friendship. I love spending time with him, he's awesome (not without his flaws though...), but I genuinely have no idea where I stand with him.

Boys suck.

Falling in love is like a trainwreck. If you make it out alive, you still haven't made it.