"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up...someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Dear Heart, do you belong to me or do I belong to you?

This term I've had a LOT of heart convictions. Well, 3. But they're all pretty interlinked and intense. I'm still haven't quite worked them out properly myself yet but in brief:
1. Sorting my head out about male friends. I need to sort out how the past rubbishness I've had affects me and basically get over it.
2. Finding identity and security in God instead of anything else.
3. Whether I'm in a 'good enough'  place spiritually and emotionally to be VP.


Just look at all the trouble you drag me into. I've heard it said to follow your heart, but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.
Heart, you've let me down, chasing love where it can't be found. Heart we've fallen out, 'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt. Only Jesus can save us now.

Dear Heart. Sanctus Real

There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear... So tonight thank God it's them instead of you.

I realise that most of my posts here have been a bit angry and/or whiney recently. But over the last month or so I've had cause to remember just how blessed I actually am. I have lovely friends, and amazing little b and big b best friends. My family and Uni housemates are a huge blessing too. Living with non-Christians has been surprisingly good. Of course, they are all lovely people, and it's good to get away from the CU bubble for a while- I spend most of my life in it!
I can still remember a time when I felt totally alone and like no-one cared and I had no-one to talk to. Now I have some wonderfully compassionate, trustworthy and wise people to turn to, and the knowledge that God has a plan and is working in my heart through my struggles. That, I think is the biggest blessing

It's time for healing.
Time to move on.
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.

Today's preach in church was about disappointment and pain and sorrow. I have to admit, it hit me hard. I realised how much hurt I've been carrying around. I forgave a friend the otter day for, basically, being a bit rubbish as a friend. But since Friday I've been angry and hurt all over again. I couldn't work out why until today.
I have had very few males friends in my life who I've really opened my heart to and trusted with a lot of stuff I don't just go around telling everyone. And all of them have let me down. Badly. One talked to me again after sooo long on Friday and all the hurt just erupted again. That's why I unforgave the other. All the hurt and disappointment with male friends just came back with a vengeance.
I pray that this hurt will be healed. Because I want close male friends. But I want friends that won't make me hurt this much. I'm worried that im starting to doubt that they exist.

Whatever you're doing inside of me. It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace. And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe you're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life. Something heavenly.

Actions speak louder than words

It means nothing to say of course you still want to be friends if you don't make any effort to show it
It means nothing to call me a friend if the only time you'll bother to meet up is as a short stop on the way to London to see your girlfriend
It means nothing to say you'll find a time if I've been trying to give you your damn book back for a year. Again.
It means nothing to say you didn't mean to make me feel like this if you keep doing it

It means nothing to say sorry if you don't change anything.



I don't want to be here again.

It's hard to know where you're going when you don't know where to start
But that's just life
And that's the hardest part.

I want more than just ok, more than just ok.


More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine. More than just ok. 

"O perfect love, my song shall ever be: 'I am found in Jesus'"

Sometimes I feel disconnected. Like I don't know who I am, and whoever 'I' am, I don't feel like them. I say 'Sophie Ellis' in my head and it scares me that that doesn't feel like me. A lot of the time I feel lost. And I don't know how to find myself again; how to get back to feeling 'right' again. Or even just the normal kind- I need to 'find myself', something that many people travel the world to do. I think not knowing who you are and needing to find out who you are is something that most people feel.
I keep looking in the wrong places. Why do I keep looking for myself in things that don't define me? That I don't want to define me?

I am found in Jesus. I need to remember to look for myself there. Who I am and everything about me is found there, and there alone. I can't find the answers anywhere else.

So why am I still looking?

I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own...


...I tried to be perfect, it just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me, it never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along


If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own






Pieces. Sum 41

10 things I hate about you

So hate is a strong word. So really it's 10 reasons why I don't want you to mean anything more to me than you do now.
1. You obviously don't want to spend time with me.
2. See above, emphasis on obviously.
3. Wanting a hug makes me feel awkward.
4. I've tried really hard, and I've tried to not try, but it's always hard work to even be friends.
5. I'm always wondering whether it's worth the effort.
6. I think you wouldn't notice if I stopped trying. I wonder if you'd care.
7. I spend too much time wondering if you'd care.
8. You don't notice when I'm sad. With me, it's usually pretty noticeable.
9. You don't realise that, when I'm sad, I just want my friends to give me a hug. Just to show me they care.
10. You'd never call me a best friend, even though that's all I want.

If weakness is a wound that no-one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall.
And I am not immune, I only want to be loved, but I  feel safe behind the firewall.
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want to truth, I need to confess...

That I'm not alright. I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through, it leads me to you, it leads me to you.

Burn away the pride. Bring me to my weakness.
'Til everything I hide behind is gone.
And when I'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to, only you are there to lead me on.
'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through it leads me to you, it leads me to you.

'Cause I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.

That's why I need you.

I used to think that, because I went to a girls school, I was missing out on something. I was wrong. Before I went to Uni I had precisely 3 'good' male friendships. All of which turned out to be completely dysfunctional. Two of them made me very very unhappy for a lot longer than I care to remember. Is it just more complicated because the whole boy-girl friendship thing has a different dynamic that I'm just not used to? Or have I just been particularly unlucky with the guys in my life. Maybe a bit of both.

Fast forward to University. I have a 'brother' who doesn't seem at all bothered that he hasn't seen, or pretty much talked to, me since the beginning of July. And a confusing and slightly 'multiple personality' friendship. I love spending time with him, he's awesome (not without his flaws though...), but I genuinely have no idea where I stand with him.

Boys suck.

Falling in love is like a trainwreck. If you make it out alive, you still haven't made it.

My New (Academic) Year's Resolution

Well my last post is a little embarrassing. That's the danger of combining a bad mood and a blog I guess. Never mind. Just for the record, I have not even started attempting to learn the guitar. However, there is one sitting in the living room of my house in Brighton, so maybe I can convince a housemate to teach me...hmm.

Y'anyway, the point of today's blog is to inform you, oh cyberspace, of a pretty crazy decision I made the other day. I decided that for this academic year I am giving up boyfriends. Well, technically, since I've never had a boyfriend, I'm giving up the potential of a boyfriend. Which is quite a radical step for me. But that's kinda the point of it. I feel like I spend too much of my life worrying about the fact that boys just aren't interested in me. I know it's a huge area of my life that I'm just not trusting God with. I don't want to just wait for Him to sort it, if that is what is intended for me, because I panic that no-one will ever love me. (Which, by the way, is ridiculous because I have a LOT of love in my life. I don't need a boyfriend to make me feel worthwhile. But there you go, too much of a Disneyfied view of love I guess.) BUT every time I've tried to do something myself, it has ended horribly and I am always left thinking, why do I do this to myself?! So I am not going to do it any more. I am going to take this year to learn to trust God and to try and make Him my source of identity and security and sense of worth instead of boys. Let's be honest, boys, bless them, are really kind of rubbish at filling that. Probably because they're not meant to.

I hope the knowledge that any friendship with a boy isn't going to go any further will free me a bit from focusing too much of my life on their opinions. Also, it might make such friendships easier and less complicated if people know that everything is intended merely as friends. We'll see. It's going to be hard, that's for sure, but it's definitely going to be worth the effort.

A short, musical decline into self-pity

I am going to attempt to learn how to play 'Hang You Up' by Yellowcard on the guitar. Not that newsworthy at first glance. However, I am attempting to do so: a) not being able to play the guitar, b) on my sister's old, out of tune guitar, c) for the CU acoustic night on the 28th September. I think I may fail...
I really wish I  could play the guitar. To be able to just play a song that says what I want to say would be amazing. I really hate the thought of having to rely on other people to accompany me whilst I sing said song, it makes it feel less personal. I doubt I have the patience to teach myself, however as none of my guitar-playing friends seem to be willing to teach me (minus Rachel- cheers! It was fun :) ) I will try.

At some point in my life (hopefully soon) I will learn the guitar. Then maybe I'll feel less inadequate around musically-talented/ taught people. Maybe I'd be worthy enough to be in SD. *sigh* now I'm declining into self-pity. I WILL LEARN TO PLAY THE GUITAR. I WILL. Whether I can do so in time for the acoustic night is yet to be determined.

The Sound of You and Me

Know this please
I will not forget the sound of you and me when we were friends

Someday everything ends
Can't we begin finding a way back before we're too late
And lost in between the truth and the dream
I've never been more ready to move on


I have decided I have had enough. I've had enough of people who make me feel like I'm not good enough and like it's too much to ask to ask them to give a damn (being fair, sometimes not their fault. Occasionally.) Maybe I am expecting too much to start off with, and for some of the time I think that's to blame for this feeling. Other times, on the other hand, are definitely worth my feeling hurt and angry. When someone can't make an effort ever, and then, when called on it, can't even try and fix it, like a real friend would, and just leave me feeling guilty because I think I expect too much. I don't think a friend should make you feel like you don't have an right to ask them to make time for you. I have put up with too many of this because I really wanted to be close to that person. In the end, it just hurts too much. So, I'm going to stop chasing after those people. I'll let you know how that goes...

Happiness is not a destination

Ok, so I stole this from OTH, but you can get some good life lessons from it:
(paraphrasing a little, my memory's not that good)
Happiness is a mood, like hunger or tiredness. Too many people view it as a destination: if I get this, do that, meet the right person, then, then I will be happy. They forget that, as a mood, it can come and go. So they don't look for the little everyday moments of happiness. When you do, you realise just how many there are.
Question: Is it ok to feel miserable sometimes?
Answer: Is it ok to feel hungry sometimes?
Just as you eat when you're hungry, when you're miserable find some 'happiness food'. It probably won't 'fill you up' with happiness in the same way as eating fills you up (if only it were that easy...), but, speaking for myself, I find that actively doing something/spending time with people who make me happy takes the edge off whatever it is I'm moping about. It also reminds me that life isn't all that bad. It might be a bit crappy sometimes, but all in all life is beautiful. Appreciate every moment of happiness. Never forgo your little moments of everyday happiness for a 'someday I will be happy'.
Happiness is a state, not a destination.